A Chameleon

My whole life I have been so wrapped up in what other people think of me; how I present myself, the words I say, the clothes I wear. It takes a toll when you feel you are constantly being watched.

It took me a long time to figure out what my personality is. Sad to admit I know, but I have been a chameleon for as long as I can remember. It took just a few days ago to realize, when a coworker said something that caught my attention.

“You’re a Libra right? That’s weird because you seem to know exactly who your are. And you don’t change for others.”

That hit me hard, he didn’t mean it to, just a compliment really. But what he said opened my eyes and made me realize it was true. I have done just that my whole life up until recently. What does that mean for the past 24 years?

They say high school and college shape who you are and what you will become. But what happens when you never were really yourself to begin with? Am I starting this process now? Or was my chameleon younger self that process?

I spend my free time day dreaming of a life I want so badly. A place impossible to reach because I am afraid, afraid people may judge me for trying and possibly failing. Are things finally turning around?

My partner has taught me much during our relationship. He has showed me things I never thought I could experience. Not just places, but emotions and a way of life that makes me excited. He has showed me that it doesn’t matter what people think, as long as we are happy. I have taught him Lime Dancing on a crowded beach, done yoga for the first time, tried foods I was afraid to order, grew out my beard and started dressing how I want. The list goes on and I hope I never stop adding to it but there is this new thought that runs through my head. Am I still just a chameleon adjusting to this new way of life he brings in?

Do other people go through these feelings? Do most people just adjust to their surroundings or do they live and let others adjust for them?

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